forgiving them does not mean they still need to be in your life
on true forgiveness, consequential thinking, self-respect, and living a beautiful life
Forgiveness is not the same as access.
You are allowed to forgive someone and no longer have them in your life. The problem is that many people confuse forgiveness with continued access.
Those who come from a religious background have even more difficulty with managing the guilt after cutting the cord with someone in their lives. Forgiveness is often preached in religious spaces without clarity on what victims can actually do to a) truly forgive and b) still protect themselves.
As such, the common adage is to reconcile and “let the past be the past”. In these spaces, not letting someone have access to you means you have not forgiven them. The problem becomes evident when the reconciliation fails to provide meaningful healing for the victim, and they become resentful of having to allow someone that has hurt them to remain in their lives. In the worst cases, continued access allows abusers to keep hurting their victims past the point of no return.
I am a practicing Catholic. I believe in the power of forgiveness, just as the Son of God forgave us for our sins. I have journaled and reflected on this topic by myself and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Regardless of your faith or individual beliefs, you might find my reflections useful if you are committed to forgiving someone but struggling with removing access.
For the sake of my argument, I want you to only think about scenarios in which the other person has caused you serious harm. I am excluding from the discussion scenarios in which you have had misunderstandings with someone you love that can be disentangled through vulnerable and profound conversations. The discussion centers on people who have a particular pattern of mistreatment, and have either:
Abused you
Betrayed you
Manipulated you
Lied to you
Stolen from you
Coordinated smear campaigns against you
Tortured you
Or done anything with the intention of seriously hurting or injuring you
Everyone has different thresholds of tolerance for disrespect, so I will leave it up to you to decide what yours is. Mostly, I am talking about the interpersonal experiences that have deadened your spirit, poisoned your heart, and made you lose faith in humanity. More on this later.
I am also excluding from the discussion those who cannot, for whatever reason, remove access to dangerous people. This discussion is about choice.
Let‘s get on with it.
What are we doing when we forgive someone?
What is the internal experience, in our bodies, when we forgive? What is the external experience?
Internally, forgiveness means:
You let go of the anger towards them that cripples your body, your heart, and your mind. You stop carrying it around wherever you go. You stop letting it obscure your view of the world.
You stop feeding your mind with fantasies of revenge. Instead, you focus on yourself, your life goals, and your dreams. It does not mean you completely forget about them or what they have done, but they stop dominating your thoughts.
Externally, forgiveness means:
You do not pursue the desire to expose them publicly. You handle the process in private, either through court proceedings, agreements, or giving yourself individual closure (therapy sessions, journaling).
You let people lead the life they have chosen without interfering. You let them go about their way, and you go about yours.
Forgiveness is self-protection. The purpose is to preserve yourself in all aspects.
Allowing continued access, then, becomes optional if that is something you want to do. But you are not obligated to stay in touch. In fact, many find true healing and forgiveness in not staying in touch. In Spanish, we have a saying: “corazón que no ve, corazón que no siente”, which means that a blind heart does not feel pain.
Now, you might say: “Well, some people cut access as a way to punish the other person!” (Which is, essentially, a revengeful move). In which case, you may ask yourself: Are you cutting access to make them feel bad, or are you cutting access to protect yourself?
Remember, it is just as often that people reconcile with us but secretly have not forgiven us. Forgiveness is always oriented towards the protection of the Self and, therefore, the protection of humanity. All actions of forgiveness need to be oriented towards that self-protection.
You are allowed a beautiful, high-quality life.
The Bible states: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Proverbs 4:23).
Let me ask you this: Would you allow a person who physically tried to murder you to be near you? No?
Then why would you allow access to a person who tried to murder your spirit?
To me, there is no difference. People have died from autoimmune diseases after prolonged abuse and complex trauma. Whatever poisons the heart also poisons the body, our physical vessel that guides us through this world.
Again: forgiveness is about protecting ourselves. It is about enjoying the blessing of Life that has been given to us. Someone who puts my spirit at risk of erosion is incredibly dangerous to me.
Here are some affirmations I want you to keep in mind:
I am allowed to be surrounded by people who truly love and cherish me.
I am allowed to enjoy my human experience, and that means keeping quality connections around me.
I am allowed to heal and move forward without feeling guilty.
Think about the life you want for yourself. Is this person guiding you towards that life? Or are they driving you away from it?
What are you willing to do to protect your one and only life?
Poet Mary Oliver says it best in her poem “The Summer Day”:
Cutting access teaches people consequential thinking.
You do not have to be afraid of teaching people the consequences of their actions.
When you forgive someone but remove access, you are saying: this is what happens when you do that. There‘s no anger or resentment to it, only logical sequencing. The act of forgiveness is one of unconditional love (for yourself, for humanity), but the access itself is premeditated upon certain conditions. A few examples on how logical sequencing and conditions work:
If you break something, you have to pay for it.
If you misuse something, I will no longer lend it to you.
If you mistreat me or disrespect me, you will no longer be in my life.
I love the poem “Resolution #1,003” by June Jordan. It reminds people to react appropriately to situations. I often feel people do not react appropriately to situations in today‘s world. They underreact to abuse, cruelty, to cities being bombed, and children murdered. At the same time, they will blow up over minor inconveniences, heavily punish those who love them over simple misunderstandings/errors, or pay way too much attention to people who mistreat and devalue them. I am sure there is a psychological, sociological explanation for this, but the poem invites you to act accordingly in response to someone’s actions, which leads to…you guessed it: self-protection.
You might be asking, “Isn’t the poem promoting an eye-for-an-eye mentality? Isn’t it promoting retribution rather than forgiveness?”
It could be. It depends on how you interpret it. Let’s follow through the logic of the first line of the poem using Immanuel Kant‘s philosophical concept of “the categorical imperative”. If it were a universal law that everyone loved everyone who loved them, would we be living in a morally correct world? Well, yes. We would essentially be loving everyone who loves us, responding appropriately to how someone acts towards us. Now, if we hated everyone who hated us, we wouldn‘t live in a morally correct world…but we do not have to worry about that if we focus on loving everyone who loves us.
We are not only on this earth to learn from others, but also to teach others. We have a moral obligation to uphold justice in our personal lives. This is not about keeping score; I repeat, cutting access is not about punishing someone.
This is about creating a world that inches, even if just a little bit, towards justice. Already there is so much injustice in the world. So much cruelty and abuse that goes unchallenged. It is, actually, your responsibility to make sure that at least those who mistreat you follow through with the logical sequencing of consequences. To let them know that not everyone who walks the Earth is willing to be abused, mistreated, or disrespected for “love” or “companionship” or “connection”, and the sooner they learn this, the better the outcomes they will have in life and with people.
This is true forgiveness. This is gifting them with something far more valuable, far more powerful, than letting them stay. They might not see it this way at the time. Eventually, those who are committed to growing as people and changing their hurtful ways will thank you for being a catalyst for that lesson. Of course, abusers, narcissists, and takers will not appreciate the value of the lesson, but at least you gave it willingly and generously.
Life-affirming actions inspire self-respect and respect by others.
When you stop doing something that hurts you, you increase your value in your own eyes.
Value is inherent to us for being human. All of us are valuable people. But we don‘t always see each other that way, sadly. We forget our values and ourselves. Actions help us remember who we are, specifically life-affirming ones.
Every time you do something that makes you admire yourself. Every promise you keep to yourself. Every dream you strive towards and succeed in. Every time you do something that affirms your life.
All of it builds confidence and self-respect. Self-respect and self-protection are bound together.
Those are all phrased in the positive, but it is also about the negative aspects of yourself that you stop allowing. Every time you stop letting people speak badly to you, or treat you a way you don‘t like. Every time you let go of toxic habits, behaviors, and patterns of thinking. Every time you decide you are worth more.
Life-affirming actions build trust in yourself; trust in your own capabilities, skills, and discernment. And trust builds self-confidence.
This is explained through the Confidence-Competence Loop (I don‘t know who came up with this; if you find the source, please let me know in the comments). Basically, the theory states that repeated actions fuel an action-correlated belief about your identity…which can build or destroy self-confidence. Examples:
I said I would wake up at 6 am today, and I did. I am reliable.
I always wanted to play soccer and, despite being nervous, I went to my first practice today. I am brave.
I had a very difficult project assigned to me at work. After many months of working hard, I completed the project. I am a hard worker.
I am reliable. I am brave. I am a hard worker.
Self-confidence. Self-respect.
Back to the topic of access. Would you believe yourself if you said “I respect myself” but you still remained friends with someone who stole from you or destroyed your property (as an example)? No, you wouldn‘t. You would think the opposite. You would start believing you respect yourself when you cut that person off, because your belief would be built on a tangible, visible action.
The results not only make you value yourself more. They also signal self-respect to others.
People who lose access to you will probably react in anger, rage, and resentment. Others will mock you or pretend it means nothing. Deep down, they recognize this signal as one of self-respect. They don‘t recognize it because it‘s communicated verbally, but because it‘s communicated symbolically. It forces them to respect you in return.
Remember, this all comes down to self-protection. Respect for yourself and others allows you to stay protected to live the beautiful life we have been talking about throughout this reflection.
Final message and journaling prompts
Some key points to end this reflection:
Forgiveness does not require continued access. It does require inner work and letting go of toxic patterns of behavior.
People who have hurt you do not have to be in your life for you to forgive them.
You forgive others primarily for yourself and for your self-protection.
Forgiveness does not erase the memory of what happened. It is an unconditional act of love that faces what happened and goes about it anyway.
Forgiving while removing access can inspire growth through consequential thinking.
Forgiving while removing access can increase self-respect and respect in others.
Forgiveness is a conscious choice, not to be mistaken for behaviors born out of guilt and shame (such as letting people have access but secretly resenting them for what they did).
Again, whether you remove access or not is up to you. I wrote this to encourage people to do what is right for them. I want people to live beautiful, fulfilling, and affirming lives.
Journal prompts and reflection questions to consider for honesty-building with yourself:
If I let someone stay in my life after they hurt me but still resent them, am I truly forgiving them?
What is the difference between forgiving someone and reconciling with them?
In what instances will I forgive and remove access, and in what instances am I willing to forgive and reconcile with them?
When it comes to people in my life who have caused spirit wounds, how can I best approach them to protect myself and my heart?
What does it really mean to forgive someone in practice?
Why am I really removing someone from my life? What is the end goal?
If I let this person stay in my life, will my life flourish?
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Not enough people talk in depth about forgiveness and what it actually looks like. This post does a good job of it. I needed to hear a lot of these things. Thank you.
we always think of forgiveness as something for the 'offender', it is easy to forget its value for ourselves